That
esteemed bastion of Australian publishing, the Courier Mail, published
an article on the 10 best pies in Brisbane this week. You can find the photos here:
Alternatively,
here’s an Instragram photo of the newspaper article with a very happy-looking
Mick (aka Goat Pie Guy) taking up half of the left-hand page. An appropriate
allocation of space, in my opinion. Speaking of Mick, a little bird told me recently that there are new Szechuan & Bourgignon Goat pies in the works, and I saw a photo of Mick holding his new range of goat sausages recently (in the same flavours as his goat pies). Exciting stuff.
Of course the
Pieologist has personally tried each and every one of the pies on the list on
your behalf, with one notable exception: #6 ‘In a Pickle’s’ beef, Guinness and
Swiss mushroom pie. Obviously this wouldn't do. The public has a right to know. On the day the article was published, we had already had lunch, but it was sushi which doesn't really count; and
close-up photos of Brisbane’s ‘best’ pies (more on that later) had our juices
flowing.
A quick
Google Maps search revealed that we were a mere 17 minutes away from hot beefy
goodness, and it was an easy decision to make a quick research trip across town
to the mid-south (Coorparoo). Why is it that there are so many good pie shops on the southside? Do poor people eat more pies? I guess they probably do.
Hidden in a delightful
little corner of suburbia is a little nest of shops including a couple of nice restaurants
(southsiders will probably know Rapide), cafes, an
expensive-looking hair salon, and a bakery called The Bread Basket which was right
next door to our destination.
In a Pickle
is a catering company that has sprouted a café of the same name in a prime
position on the corner. The food looked pretty spectacular when we walked
through the door, with a large array of salads, slices, baked goodies (like
madelines, my favourite), tarts, pre-packaged meals, and gourmet ingredients
spread throughout the store.
I cast my
eye to the glass display case that was front and centre, and that’s when the
worry set in. My future pie was sitting on a large white platter with a dozen
of its mates, next to another platter of pre-sliced lasagne, which was next to
another platter of rocket and pumpkin salad, which was next to another platter
of chickpea salad.
The
operators amongst you will already be onto this, but for those of you who are
scratching your head, there was no chance that the pies were hot in a cabinet
full of salad and slices. That thing was refrigerated. That’s not a problem if you’re buying them to take
away and heat in the comfort of your own abode; but if I want one to eat right
now, what’s the only way that pie is going from cold to hot in a short space of
time? Coincidentally, what’s the quickest way to completely fuck a pie, or
anything wrapped in pastry? You got it: the microwave.
For a
moment, I thought of ordering the pie as a takeaway and eating it for dinner,
but I had invested 17 minutes in this thing so far and I'm a busy man...there was no going back.
The hammer was cocked and a finger that was trembling with hunger was balanced
on a hair trigger. Delayed gratification is for the birds anyway. So I jumped
in. The lady behind the counter helpfully gave me a delivery time frame for my
pie which confirmed my fears, saying ‘it’s going to take about 2 minutes in the
microwave, and another 5 in the oven’. Oh, beaut. There goes my appetite.
Eight
minutes later, we had our pies, which were large in size (see sidebar) and described
as ‘hearty beef’ rather than the beef, Guinness and Swiss Mushroom we had come
for. They looked great. But we all know appearances can be deceiving. A bit like
Jennifer Aniston…she’s got everything going for her; why can’t she keep a man? Not
even John Mayer could put up with her, and we all know what a douchebag old John
is. Still, I’d give Jen a crack at the title, and so it was with the hearty
beef pie.
But even before
the first bite, we could see there was something wrong. Take a look at the lid pastry
on the front pie vs. the Courier Mail picture in the link above. It’s nicely egg washed, but not
cooked. You can see from the slightly damp-looking greyness in the foreground
that this baby needs some time in a hot oven – and not 5 minutes either. 25
maybe, but not 5.
This was
confirmed with the first bite; which didn’t have the cornflake-like crunch of a
Rock ‘n Roll pie (now known as La Campagne after their former pastry chef bought
the business). It had more of a soft squelch, like something from the Bun
Mobile. Not ideal.
My companion
for the trip wished to remain anonymous so as not to attract hate mail for the
following comments. No chance: it was Rimmer. He commented – and I must say
that I wholeheartedly agreed – that it was obviously a pie that had been constructed
by a woman. If that sounds sexist to you, then you should probably tune out now
and go and do some vacuuming or unpack the dishwasher or something before your
wife gets home, because shit, as they say, is about to get real...
I give you
exhibit A:
Can you pick
the flaw in this? If so, you have had experience eating a pie whilst driving a
car or operating machinery. If you fail to see the problem here, then please
allow me to enlighten you. That flap of pastry you can see across the bottom of
the pie is irrefutable proof that the person who built this pie has no
understanding of the essential structural properties of a pie (and by
extension, general structural engineering principles).
A join like
that has the potential to split suddenly like a whacked piñata; spilling molten
meat all over your suit on your way to your next meeting. Furthermore, the
piece of pastry that has been overlapped will not be cooked out properly;
resulting in a chewy, doughy undertone to the pie. It could therefore have only been made by a woman, or a very
very lazy man. Or possibly a tightarse who didn't want to waste a corner of
pastry and use a whole fresh sheet when there were two perfectly good off cuts
that could be cobbled together to form a base. Does that sound like something a bloke would do? You know it doesn't. A man would understand that doing so would
be a cheap and nasty shortcut to save money which could potentially put the
lives of others in danger. ‘Bugger it,’ he’d say, ‘I’m going to spend the extra
20 cents and use a fresh sheet!’
Whilst we both agreed that the outer was bitterly disappointing, the filling proved to be
divisive. I thought it was pretty good. Rimmer hated it. He said that it was
waaay too tomatoey for him, adding that his wife would love it. He said that it
was like a tomatoey beefy casserole slapped haphazardly between a couple of
bits of pastry and called a pie. By a woman. Not everything encased in pastry is
necessarily a pie, he fumed, working up quite a head of steam by now. And to a certain
extent, I had to agree with him.
To me, the
flavour profile was like a beef stroganoff without the sour cream. The meat was
lovely, moist, and very tender – not to mention plentiful – but it could have
been improved with a dash of sour cream or something to balance out the acid of
the overwhelming tomato flavour. I’m not 100% sure, but I would guess that generous
use of tomato paste was at least partially the culprit; as there didn’t seem to
be any visual evidence of the use of whole tomatoes (seeds, skins, pulp, etc). I’d
guess that there was also a liberal splash of balsamic in the mix, as the sauce
was sweet and acidic. I also saw evidence of onions in there, but I found
myself wondering whether I had Quickeze back at the office or whether to stop
on the way.
Having said
that, it had plenty of flavour from the beef, tomato and onion, and it was well
seasoned. As a ragu over pappardelle with a liberal dose of parmesan and a cheeky
Nebbiolo, it would be a winner. I’m not 100% convinced that it worked as a pie,
but we all know that a pie is more than the sum of its parts - and some of its parts were pretty
distracting.
For example,
the microwave / oven combo could never work successfully. What it did do successfully was completely bugger
up the pastry, and make the filling hot in places and lukewarm in others. Words
can’t describe how much I hate that. To put all that time and effort into
making a flavoursome ragu, then microwave it? Oh the humanity! To beautifully
hand-crimp the top of the pie with what could have been very good pastry, but
not use a whole sheet for the base? It sabotages the end result.
Add to this
the fact that you’re being charged $9 per pie, and it’s difficult not to be
critical. When you’re handed back a gold coin out a $20 for two pies, you’re
preparing yourself for something special. Not even Jocelyn’s Provisions is that
expensive, and they’re considerably better than what Rimmer and I had.
I think the
pie could have been considerably improved by me taking it home and cooking it
in the oven. Hence, I’m planning to go back at some stage and see if I can get a hold of the
beef/Guinness/shroom pie. As it was, there were too many missed opportunities with
the pastry, microwave, acidity, temperature variation, structural integrity, and
value for money, and based on what was presented I can only give it a 5/10. Rimmer didn't even bother to finish his, and he is a dead-set garbage guts. I mean the man is like a Labrador. As we left, I looked on enviously as a bearded skateboard-riding hipster in a flanno tucked in to a pie from next door at The Bread Basket. As his bearded jowls closed over his pie, I heard a crackle of pastry like scrunching paper and thought of what could have been.
I think that
In a Pickle has the potential to have a good product however; and sincerely hope
that next time I go I can report a better result for you. I will tweet the result when I do, so follow me on Twitter for updates on this and other bakeries. They also had a
chicken & leek pie on sale when we visited.
As for the Courier Mail's list of Brisbane's best pies, I only have an issue with Jacob's Bakery. Jacob's has won a HUGE swag of awards over the years, but I haven't been particularly impressed with anything I've had from several of their outlets. They're not bad pies per se, I just dont think that they deserve to be in this company based on what I've seen. But I'm happy to stand corrected if anyone is keen to join me for a research mission.
Until next time, take care.
Pieologist
