Kia Ora, cuzzies!
First up, an apology. I know that I've let you down a bit over the last month or so, but I've had a bit on recently. In fact, I've been busier than a Beirut bricklayer, me. So I apologise for the lack of postings, and can assure you that in the fullness of time, normal service will be resumed.
This week we have a guest review for you from our NZ pie correspondent, Chunderkilt, aka TDK. I think you'll enjoy this. I've been trying to get this lazy bastard to put down his bong, get off the couch, and find me some exotic kiwi pies for months now, and finally he's come through with the goods. He picked the dried gravy off the tracky dacks, donned a pair of jandals and his favourite VB singlet, grabbed the chully bun to bring some tak-e-aways home for the whanau, and headed out in search of pie. The results are astounding:
Yep like race-horses, weed, and Rebecca Gibney, when it comes to being world class and particularly when it comes to pies, look no further than down here, a bit the right, below Tasmania, bit more, yeah-nah, shit we almost drove straight past it....New Zealand.
Spoiler alert. The pie I'm about to review most of you will probably never eat. But it's crap anyway. So you can rest easy. Or stop reading right now if a Kiwi gate-crashing this otherwise classy blog hasn't stopped you from doing so already.
Can I first just say that I'm all for entrepreneurs. Apart from being very hard to spell, I find them very inspiring. Which is why I gave Piggy Pies a crack. They're a new outfit that's started 'pitching their tent' at big events around Auckland and as you can see from the pictures, they're difficult to miss.
The first such event I saw them at was the Rugby World Cup. New Zealand won. Beat everyone. Hardly raised a sweat actually. Even without Dan. That's how F%^&Kin good we are.
Anyway I didn't actually get to eat one during the World Cup (I was too busy walking the streets of Auckland hugging strangers and vomiting on sidewalks) but a couple of weeks ago another world-class event was on in Auckland, the Volvo Round the World Yacht race, and as sure as a Kiwi boat eventually winning (by shit-loads), the Piggy's Pies tent again caught my eye.
To be fair I had other choices; a $15 wood fired pizza, a $7.50 german sausage or a $12 angus burger - but I'd spent most of my dole money on some primo weed, so the relatively well-priced $5 Piggy Pie seemed ideal. Also the Pieologist (or simply 'Pie-hole' as he's known as over here) had promised to send me six bottles from his much-wanked-on-about wine collection if I sent him a review, so I thought I'd better get eating.
Buying a Piggy Pie at first proved difficult as no one was actually in the tent. "They're all free bro!" mentioned the guy in front of me. If only bro, if only. Just as I was thinking that I might get to enjoy a five-fingered discount, a bloke in a Piggy Pies t-shirt sprang into view and took up service behind the counter. I was guessing he'd been in the porta-loo out back on the bong pipe, based on his full-face beard and a general pot smoker demeaner, but then again he may have just been having a shit.
Anyway, lovely bloke and very efficient with it. I handed over $5 and he slid a pie out of the pie warmer. Couldn't have gone smoother. A lady behind me did ask 'what temperature are the pies', to which he replied, 'perfect'. Which was the correct answer. Seems she'd tried one of his pies at the Rugby World Cup and it had been a touch on the cold side, but to her credit was giving Piggy Pies a second chance. The fact that he'd previously served up a cold pie did make me somewhat nervous, but like Sir Ed Hillary driving his Massey Ferguson tractor to the south pole (awesome!) I just plowed the f%&k on through.
http://www.nzhistory.net.nz/media/photo/dash-pole-tractors
The pie I'd decided on was Steak and Pepper (cheese gives me a crook gut) and on first appearance it looked top-notch. Square but not too square. Flakey on top, solid down below. Nice and golden. The pictures do a fairly good job of showing what I'm talking about if you can't be bothered imagining.
But then things started to go a bit pie shaped (see what I did there).
I took a bite.
Thermo-nuclear temperature. Runny consistency. Tiny flecks of steak mixed together with equally tiny pieces of un-advertised mushrooms. And yep, thats a solitary pea wedged in right at the end there.
As my uncle Colin used to say whenever that ad about Shane Warne's hair-do came on the telly; "No. No. No. No. No."
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Shane-Warnes-hair-loss-adverts/10150108177845425
On top of that, the cracked-pepper seasoning was far too dominant, and rather than adding interest and depth to the whole affair - like Rachel Hunter turning up to your stag-do - the pepper just made my mouth even hotter and more numb than it was before.
Taste wise it wasn't all bad, I just couldn't really tell through the pepper and I ended up giving half the pie to my mates wife. But that's another story.
So....5/10 for the owners can-do attitude, the reasonable price, the pastry and the pies appearance. 5 points off for the crimes against humanity mentioned above.
No doubt the owners of Piggy Pies will be reading this 'review' (The Pieologist being the third most-read blog in New Zealand behind The Weedologist and The Gibneyologist) and will respond in true Kiwi can-f#&kin-do fashion by dusting themselves off, nicking a new recipe from somewhere overseas and going on to make the best f#&kin steak and pepper pies in the whole f#&kin world Bro!!
Awesome.
Now send over that wine Pie-hole, I'm almost out of weed.
Yours,
The Dodgy Kiwi.
http://piggyspies.com/
Thanks, CK. That review was sweet-as, bro. Speaking of guest reviews, it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge submissions from Pete Junior and Wayne Bennett; both of which were gratefully received, and will be featured very soon. Thanks guys. Until next time, take care.
Pie Vita Est
